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01/11/2002 Entry: "The Life and Art of Bass Playing"
This was sent to me by my buddy Harvey, manager of Northern Kingdom Music, retail division, the greatest and most complete music store in all the world. It was purportedly written by Tony Levin, a very, very yummy bass player.
"The Life and Art of Bass Playing"
In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a
Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it
was very old ... definitely pre-C.B.S.
And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that
it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all
(though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a
man to play the bass. And lo the man looked upon the bass, which
was a beautiful 'sunburst' red,
And he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang
through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus
reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good
and He smiled at his handiwork.
Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And
lo it was funky. And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man,
go." And it was good.
And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came
to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a
great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the
notes rippled like a Breeze through the heavens.
And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind,
which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the
movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was
not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"
Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his
new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky
notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran
about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but
that's another story.)
And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became
Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I
wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the
And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with
it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high.
The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And
the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and
play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man
did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of
high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked
with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled.
Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the
And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I
shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you
can even think of." "And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth
the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache,
and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer."
"You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar
amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth
other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher
and faster than
"And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all
the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low
notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians
shall say "Wow" but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell
you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players
for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your
fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the
"And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the
bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."
And it was so......