[Previous entry: "Go, Sherrif!"] [Main Index] [Next entry: "Killer Drum Solo"]

07/09/2002 Entry: "Musicians Bible Story"

Chapter One

And so in the dark of night the Lord summoned Noah, and spoke to him.

"Noah, awake and heed my words!"

And Noah, did cry out, "Who goeth there?"

"It is the Lord of All Things." And the Lord did say, "Noah, build me A
Band. For the earth will be visited by a plague of club dates
followed by forty days of Bridal Expos and forty nights of Showcasing."

And Noah did say, "Command me, Lord."

And the Lord did say, "First, thou must find me a Leader."

And Noah did bow his head, saying, "Yes, my Lord. And what will this
Leader play?"

And the Lord said, "It mattereth little, whether he play or not, or
whether he be proficient or not. For his Job shall primarily be to
talk to the Brides and their Mothers, and to count off Tempos wrong, and
to inquire as to whether Overtime will happen, and to try to segue tunes
that should not be segued and delay payment to the musicians as long as
possible. If he playeth any instrument, thou must always have another
player of that instrument on the bandstand, just to be safe. The leader
shall also remain forever befuddled by the P.A. system so it may produce
horrendous feedback forever onto the end."

And Noah did shake his head in wonder, saying, "Lord, thy ways are
Strange and Mysterious. What more shall I do?"

And the Lord said, "Next, find me a Drummer. This Drummer must have
imperfect time, so that whenever he playeth a Fill --and he shall play
many--, he must always emerge at a different place, sometimes early and
sometimes late, but thou may not guess which. He must also be Supremely
Discontent, always hoping for the Big Break so that he despiseth
Jobbing. Most importantly, he must always be convinced of his
Righteousness, in all things, including Time, Volume, Tempo and Feel, so
that he argueth always with the Bass Player."

"And shall the drummer sing?" asked Noah.

"NO!" declared the Lord. "He shall remain silent even if he sings better
than the others. Unless no one else knows "Hot Hot Hot" may he then
utter a word."

And Noah did say, "As you command, Lord."

"Next shall be the Bass Player, but only if the job already has seven
musicians booked before him. And he shall be Bored, for the limitations
of his instrument and the music he must play will decree it."

And Noah did say, "Of course. And next, my Lord?"

"Next shall be the Keyboardist and he shall play as if he has twenty
fingers, and he shall play Substitute upon Substitute, until no man may
recognize the tonic. He must also play bass with his left hand at all
times and it shall be muddy and indescript."

And Noah asked,"What if there are more than seven and a bassist

And the Lord cried out: "Then he of the keyboards must play louder and
busier so that no man shall hear the real bassist."

And Noah did wonder aloud, "Lord, Great is thy Wisdom!"

"Next shall be the Guitar Player and he shall be Loudest of all. And he
and only he shall sing 'Old Time Rock n' Roll' and "Johnny B Goode."
Also his instrument will be designed so that he shall not know The Page,
and so must rely upon his Ears, which have been damaged by exposure to
High Sound Pressure Levels."

And Noah did say, "It shall be done."

And the Lord did say, "Next thou shall call upon the Saxophones. And
they shall play Bop licks, often and many , yea, even on the Celine Dion
ballads. And they will not need to understand rhythm, yet will read well
therefore causing dissention between them and the guitarist."

"I understand," said Noah.

"Next shall be the Trumpeters. And of Changes they shall know

"Shall there be others, my Lord?" asked Noah.

And the Lord said; "There shall be the Trombone Players. On second
thought, they aren't really necessary."

And Noah did say, "Mighty is the Lord!"

Then the Lord commanded; "Finally, find me the Singers. And they
shall be Three, one a Male, and two Females. And the Male shall be
filled with pride and swagger and know of little.
"And of the Females, one shall be Black and one shall be White. And
the Black one shall always sing the R&B and the White one shall always
sing the Pop, and Country Songs. And both shall be Late, and know not of
Keys or Form. And they shall leave every gig having never touched a
piece of Equipment. And they shall be paid much more than the Sidemen.
Ask not why."

And Noah did say, "Lord, Thy will be done."

And so it was...

And it's been hell on earth ever since.

Powered By Greymatter