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09/27/2004 Entry: "Universal Axioms of Doom"

I have several theories or axioms. You may of heard me mention them before.

For example, there's the Bill Batty Pendulum Theory. It goes something like this... For every argument you make about why something will/should happen, there are an equal number of arguments that will prove the opposite. Example: I think there will be a great turnout at the company picnic today because it's so nice out. The pendulum theory says no, because it's so nice, people are going to want to to their own thing, and turnout at the picnic will be low. Sorta like that.

There's the Bill Batty "Kid-in-the-Bed" axiom. A kid that crawls into your bed will take up 300% more area than their actual volume dictates.

There's and axiom that says the higher quantity and more heavy the equipment a musician has to lug through the door is directly proportional to the number of people who feel they should stand in the way between the door and the stage. I'm polite the first two or three times through. But if you can't take the hint that I'm loading a metric butt-load of heavy stuff, and you're right in the main path, then I'm just going to start running you over.

Lincoln Blake turned me onto the "Like a/As a Dog" axiom. That is, whenever you need simile, no matter the reason, you can use "as a dog" or "like a dog" and it will work. "I was sick as a dog." My kid cried like a dog all night long." Those guys shooting black powder pistols at the picnic were loud as a dog." See, everything works!

And it was a spin off of that that's leads me to my next theory. If you add "of doom" to any product/group name, it will be cooler. "The Rolling Stones of Doom." "The Big Mac of Doom." "Windows XP of Doom." See! Maybe I'll call it the "Bill Batty of Doom Marketing Theory."

"At Midcoast Internet, we offer high speed DSL of doom service, as well as dial-up of doom and web hosting of doom."